I heard this recently and have heard it numerous times over the years in session. On paper this starts off as a really "differentiated" or healthy statement but then quickly falls apart and I want to talk about what may be a potentially better response. First off, remember we can't control others emotions and second each spouse will have separate and vastly different experiences of life events. So the above statement reflects this separateness. However, we are told that in marriage we are to become one so we also are intended to be connected or AT LEAST concerned and caring of our partner. Where we get in trouble is when we say, "but that's not my problem." No we can't fix our spouse's problems in thinking, reacting, or interpreting situations, etc but we can CARE. So if you could see emotions in a relationships on a continuum then on one extreme you would have the cold and emotionally dismissive and on the other extreme it would look more like emotional manipulation.On the emotion dismissing side, one of the spouses basically is making the statement that emotions are off limits. "That's irrational." If one of you is using the word rational or irrational a lot then typically there is some emotion dismissing going on. The perfect argument or the use of "logic" is the desired course to these individuals. Now I'm all about making sure your brain is connected to your decisions, but when that means emotions aren't tolerated then it's probably too far.Now flipping to the other extreme, here we see couples so tied together emotionally that from the outside it's hard to understand. Now I'm not making light of the pain that relationships can cause but to be honest some couples/individuals really look childish at times. Disconnected from the other extreme, its easy to base decision making on the moment and the outcomes can be terrifying. (so much more could be said but this is meant to be brief.)The classic pattern...Read More
